Let me get a few FAQs out of the way.
Are you adopting domestically or internationally?
Internationally.
Why not adopt from the USA? There are plenty of kids in foster care who need families here.
There are children in the foster care system, but most are not legally free for adoption. Those that are legally free for adoption are often older children with severe special needs. If you feel strongly about adopting from the foster care system, you can find more information about how to adopt and the children available for adoption at www.adoptuskids.org.
To adopt a child not yet legally free for adoption, we would likely have to foster the child first and hope the child isn't removed and returned to the biological family. It isn't fair to M for us to bring a child into our family unless we're certain he or she is going to be with us forever.
What about adopting a newborn baby born in the US?
We have friends who are adopting domestically, and we are thrilled for them. We are so happy that they've found a good adoption program for their family, and we hope they have a baby in their arms soon! That said, we don't feel that domestic infant adoption is the right fit for OUR family.
In most domestic adoption situations, the birth mother chooses the family she likes best. Some families are chosen right away, while others wait for years without a baby. While we think there are plenty of things about us that would make us appealing to a birth mother, we aren't crazy about the idea of more or less marketing ourselves to potential birth mothers.
We also fear that a baby could be placed in our home and then taken away if the birth parents change their minds about the adoption. The odds of this happening vary by state. Some states allow the birth parents ten days or longer to revoke their consent to the adoption, and if they do so, we would have to return the baby. We aren't comfortable getting on that emotional roller coaster of being chosen by a birth mother, joyously preparing for a baby, and then having our dreams dashed if she changes her mind.
Some domestic adoptions can be done inexpensively, especially if the birth mother has health insurance and does not request any living expenses. Some domestic adoptions cost tens of thousands of dollars. It all depends. Plus, we could be faced with a situation where we pay medical or other expenses for a birth mother who then decides to keep the baby. Legally, she is not required to pay ANY of that money back to us. If you have several failed matches where you've paid expenses in addition to adoption agency or attorney fees, the cost to adopt can become quite large.
So is international adoption better?
Not necessarily "better." But it is a better fit for our family. We know that if we fill out all the paperwork, and pay the required agency and government fees, we will eventually get a baby. The timelines can change as can the cost, but in the end, we will have our baby - and no risks of the birth parents coming back to reclaim our child.
Will you get a newborn?
No, we will not. Most countries offer babies for adoption within their own country before allowing foreigners to adopt. By the time the child is made available for international adoption and all of the paperwork is completed, we would likely be adopting an infant between 6 months and one year old. There are certainly exceptions to this, but we aren't planning for a very young infant.
What countries are you considering?
At this point, China, Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Thailand, and Vietnam
Why these countries?
We have a pretty long list of pros and cons for each of these countries. I'll have to address that in future posts.
What do you have to do to adopt?
The process varies by country, but for all of those countries we'd need to have a homestudy by a licensed social worker, which involves visits to our home, interviews with us, letters of recommendation from people who know us, proof that we're physically and mentally healthy, proof of employment and financial stability, police clearance and all sorts of other fun stuff.
We will also have to file paperwork with the US Citizenship and Immigration Service (USCIS) to receive permission to bring a child into the United States. We will have to be fingerprinted.
We will have to gather a dossier. The contents vary by country, but most require certified copies of our birth certificates and marriage license, a copy of our homestudy, forms from USCIS that will enable us to gain a US visa for our child, copies of our passports, photos of us and our home, financial statements, police clearance, and other documents.
The process of gathering everything is called the paper chase. It could take anywhere from two to six months.
So what happens when you are done paper chasing?
We are officially "paper pregnant!" Our dossier is sent off to the country, and we wait for the referral of a baby.
How long does that take?
It depends on the country. Wait times are constantly changing. We're fairly certain this will not be a quick process, so please don't ask us daily or weekly if we've heard anything yet!
What happens when you get a referral?
The information we would be provided about the child varies from country to country, but we'd likely receive a photograph or two and a brief medical statement. We would then have a short period of time to decide if we want to accept the referral. Some countries pretty much expect you to accept the referral, while others are more flexible.
Once we accept a referral, we will have to wait again, this time to travel. Some countries allow you to travel very soon after accepting a referral, and some require more time to process paperwork, get visas, etc.
Will you have to travel to get your new baby?
Mostly likely, yes. Korea does permit babies to be escorted to the United States by the adoption agency, but all other countries require at least one parent to travel. Hubby and I feel it's important to see our child's native country. Length of in-country stay also varies, but Hubby and I aren't really considering programs that require more than three weeks in-country.
Will you take M with you?
We are undecided on this. It depends on how she is at the time we travel, where we're going, how long we'll be gone, how we think she'll handle the trip, what our agency suggests in terms of bringing extra people along, and whether we'll need to bring another adult to help out with M while we bond with the new baby.
Will you be adopting a boy or a girl?
The short answer is "we don't know."
If we adopt from China, we are almost guaranteed a girl, as 95% of all babies available for adoption are baby girls. The country's "one child" policy, combined with a longstanding cultural preference for sons means that baby girls are more often abandoned than boys.
If we adopt from Korea, we are more likely to be referred a boy, as more boys are available for adoption.
For the other countries, it depends on the agency you use. Some allow you to request a certain gender. Some allow you to state a gender preference but won't guarantee you'll get what you asked for, and some won't allow you to state a preference at all. Some agencies require that first time parents be open to either gender. Some agencies will only let you request a certain gender if you are already raising a child of the opposite gender - meaning that if we had a houseful of boys, we could request a girl and vice-versa.
When we picture our family, we picture it with two little girls - M and her little sister. We certainly aren't opposed to the idea of having a son, but we haven't made any firm decisions about the country we'll adopt from and whether we'll request a certain gender.
That's all for now - if you think of anything else you'd like to know, don't hesitate to ask.